Your Pleasant Response Is Required. By Denuega Nawende.

Dear friend, 
 
With all due respect, may you please forgive my intrusion into your privacy. But firstly, let me introduce myself. I am Mr. Denuega D. Nawende, Director of the Audit section of African Development Bank, Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso in West Africa. I am contacting you based on the fact that your profile as gotten from the federal chamber of commerce was good and commendable. This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however, it's just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me contact you for a business transaction.
 
When auditing abandoned and outstanding accounts of the bank (ADB), I was privileged to discover the secret file of one of our late customers, who was involved in a plane crash while on a trip along with his entire family on 31 July 2005 and the all lost there lives.. He lodges some money into this bank either for personal use or for business of which we could not disclose. The said amount was US$10.5M (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand USA Dollars).
 
My several frantic search proved unsuccessful as he neither left no Will nor any next of kin to this fund. Therefore, I have personally decided to contact you to seek your consent and to present you as the next of kin so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you for our mutual benefit. As a foreigner, you stand a better position to be presented through documentation as the bonafide next of kin and partner since the deceased is also a foreigner. I can not do this deal alone as a citizen of Burkina-Faso. I have the opportunity of transferring this left over as I am the director of the Audit and Reconciliation section of the Bank, if only you will give me a full assurance that you can handle this business.
 
If you agree to my business proposal and on receipt of your positive response, further details and modalities for the transfer will be forwarded to you.
 
Your prompt response, even to the contrary, will be highly appreciated. You can write me on my personal e-mail address: ********. 
 
With best regards,
Mr. Denuega D. Nawende. (Comic Sans Edited Out)

On opening, before even reading the email, i am appalled that anyone would use comic sans, nobody, nobody should ever use comic sans. My eyes scan across, when i see the words West Africa and words and names i can't pronounce, i can only assume that our "pleasant" friends the Nigerians are up to their old tricks again. Now the prospect of having Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand USA Dollars is rather exciting, however I'm sure if they gave that to me or anyone, the entire African Development Bank would go into decline, and maybe even the whole of West Africa. But when somebody reads these emails do they think, wait a minute, i don't know anyone in Africa, this is obviously one of those infamous Nigerian scams i've seen on daytime television, unfortunately many don't. Sadly a pensioner on television not so long a go had been drawn in and lost over ten thousand dollars, her son with a bad comb over and penchant for metal band singlets was angered and understandably. These Nigerians aren't very creative with their tactics, they could be far more imaginative with their deception, and maybe not mention that you are Nigerian or West African, because we're kinda on to you now. Please Nigerians STOP trying to take people's money with these lame cons and how about you stick to making quality afrobeat records.

3 Stars Out Of Ten

Dear Friend. By Dickie.

Dear Friend,

I apologize for using this medium to approach you, I hope you will have a
good understanding on what i have to offer?, Also note that my proposition is
not Hoax, but that which will touch so many lives for the better both yours,
Let me introduce myself to you, I am Willem Jacobus, presently undergoing
medical treatment in doctors hospital Bahamas, I worked with the British Oil
Industry, East London for over a decade I married for fifteen years without a
child. My wife died after a brief illness that lasted for two weeks. I vowed
to use my wealth for the down trodden and the less privileged in the society.

Since the doctor had confirmed my situation that I will not live long I have
decided to give out my money to the poor. Deposited the sum of
£120,000,000.00 (One Hundred and Twenty Million Great British Pounds) with my
Bank. Presently, this money is still there. Recently, my Doctor told me that
I would not last for the next 2 months due to cancer problem. Though what
disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition I decided to donate
this fund to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will
utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want an
individual that will use this to fund and provide succor to poor and indigent
persons, orphanages, and above all those affected in the Tsunami in far Asia
and the Hurricane Katrina Disasters. I understand that blessed is the hand
that giveth.

I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this
money and my relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and I do not
want my hard earned money to be misused or spent in the manner I will not
like and I also do not want a situation where this money will be used in an
ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not
afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be
in the bosom of the Almighty. I do not need any telephone communication in
this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my relatives
around me always. I do not want them to know about this development.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall
give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue them a letter of
authority and change of ownership certificate that will empower you as the
original beneficiary of this fund through my Lawyer. I want you to always
pray for me. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation.
Whosoever that wants to serve the Almighty must serve him with all his heart
and mind and soul and also in truth. Please always be prayerful all through
your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for an
individual for this same purpose.Please assure me that you will act according
to my specification herein. Hoping to hear from you at my private email:
**********

Thank you and may the Almighty bless you.

Regards,
Willem V. Jacobus (AKA Dickie)

Oh Dickie! Now this is the strangest of all junk email, as it doesn't really ask me for anything, except for me to read what is best described as the 'war and peace' of junk emails, a rich narrative of complete twaddle aimed at trying to make me well up and cry. Dickie seems eager to vent a load of bollocks, the above having been edited down from a whopping seven paragraphs. Any junk email that mentions the almighty already raises my suspicions, cause as we're all aware, religion is notorious for shaking down people for money. Despite his claim that his proposition is not Hoax when i typed in the name Willem V. Jacobus into google, the words fraud and sham flashed up. I'm sure the almighty is not too keen on shamsters Dick, but i do like that you put in the effort and unlike previous junk emailers you have reasonable spelling, bless you.

6 Stars Out Of Ten

MPORTANT LUCRATIVE BRIEFING. By CHONG W. PHILLIP

Hello Sir/Madam

My sincere apologies if this letter causes any form of Irritation/Embarrassment whatsoever, I would want to demand a high level of maturity from you while reading this letter.
I am proposing a very high profiled business transaction to you with returns very lucrative. In the pursuit of this business, it involves huge specific amount I can't mention here for security reasons. Everything concerning this project shall be legally done without hitches. You would be given more information upon your response to this correspondence.

If you feel you can have this handled, please let me know, so that I send you attached comprehensive details of this transaction. You should send me response to my Email :

***********

Once again my apologies if this letter cause any form of Irritation/Embarrassment, but if you are not
interested delete this email immediately.

Sincerely,

Chong W Philip..
Email : ***********

The repeated apologies for being irritating and embarrassing, probably indicate that Philip is a novice at irritation. He even suggests that if i am not interested, that i simply delete the email immediately. This is the most courteous junk email i have ever received, it almost reads like a job application. Unfortunately Philip comes across more shady and underhanded with his suggestions of lucrative returns to people of a high level of maturity. In other words he wants to rob the elderly of their pension and no amount of textbook email etiquette can disguise his wicked intentions. But thanks again Mr. Philip i will wholeheartedly take your suggestion of deleting this immediately.

5 Stars Out Of 10

Need a Proomtion? Business Hosting Web. By Dianna McCray

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Regardless of your location, you can receive a degree in your desired field. All you need is sufficient knowledge, military, or professional experience and you are on your way to an instant degree in your relevant field.

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McCray's work is her simple and direct, drawing the reader in with such creative words like Proomtion, and

not content with misspelling doctorate once, McCray proceeds to misspell it three times Dcotorate, Doctroate or Dotcorate take your pick, all are completely valid in your desired field. Which would be perfect say if you want a diploma in Proomtion, the study of Prooms, the last great wandering tribe of the Doctcorate plains. But please McCray, there's no need for more info, you've won me over me already with your unitelligble drivel. Diploma with no class and no time watsed? It's like you read my mind! BUT WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU TODAY? I DESERVE COMPENSATION?

2 Stars Out Of 10